Friday, August 22, 2014

Sleep . . . Again . . . Please

I've been debating this morning whether I should write about this. There's some freaky part of me that feels like if I tell the world, it kind of solidifies the problem and makes it more real (as if it isn't real now). And another part of me just feels like I'll be whining all over my blog in an unattractive manner. But another part of me thinks, maybe people will pray. And I feel like I need prayer.

I can't sleep.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while have probably read about my sleep saga in the past. If not, and you're dying of curiosity,  you can get caught up here. Suffice it to say, I've seen many doctors and sleep specialists over the years and tried many things to sleep and sleep well. I finally reached a point where I was sick of sedating myself every night and went cold turkey -- then I spent many nights trying to train my brain to turn off.

Things have gone pretty well in this arena for a while. I still keep Ambien around for the occasional difficult night, because my sleep is apparently light enough even when I do sleep that losing just a little can knock me for a loop for several days.

That's why this week has frightened me. Sunday night, I was wound up and knew I wouldn't go to sleep easily, so I took an Ambien. Nothing bothering me -- just wound up. It's the first week of school, and I suppose deep down, I've probably been anxious about that, but I really don't think that's the issue here. I promise you, I'm not laying awake worrying.

Monday night was a repeat of Sunday night, and I promised myself I wouldn't take any more Ambien this week -- I'm not about to get dependent on sleep meds again. But Tuesday night, 1:30 hit and I growled at the heavens as I got up to get a pill.

And again on Wednesday night . . . although Wednesday night the pill didn't even work. I still sat in my bed until 3:30 or so, desperately tired, but awake. Once I'm thinking about how badly I need to fall asleep, there's no going to sleep. Have you ever tried to consciously let go of consciousness? It doesn't work.

Last night, I refused myself the Ambien. I dozed some . . . woke up every hour or two most of the night . . . and never went back to sleep after 4:45. I think the last two nights, I've gotten about three hours of sleep each.

Folks, this is not sustainable. I can't function very long like this. I'm already a bit nervous about driving the carpool thirty minutes to Boerne and back today. And I don't know what to do. It's like my brain has forgotten how to let go.

I don't want to be back "there". I don't want to fight this battle anymore; I have too many other battles to fight right now. Forgive me if you respond with well-meaning advice and I seem dismissive -- I really doubt you can suggest something I haven't already heard and tried. Prayer. Please.

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