I haven't talked about my sleep problems for a while. I haven't needed to. For you relatively new readers who didn't know I have sleep problems and want the back story, you can get the full story here; start at the bottom. It's a long saga.
So, January 1st this year, I went cold turkey off my sleep meds and haven't turned back. After a month or so of fumbling a bit, I seemed to fall into a routine that worked. I was going to sleep relatively quickly, sleeping pretty solidly it seemed, for a few hours, waking up around 3 or 4 for a little bit, falling back asleep again and up at 6 or 6:30. Usually a good 6 hours of sleep at least, with little waking that I was aware of during the night. And functioning quite well during the day. I praised God every morning. It was wonderful! I was thrilled.
Until about a month ago, when it started getting harder to drift off to sleep. And then I was waking up more during the night. And yawning more during the day -- big, gaping, break-your-face yawns. The last straw was when school started and I found myself nearly falling to sleep doing reading with the youngest on the couch.
I'm back where I started.
I could almost cry, but I just don't have the energy. My last four years have all seemingly revolved around figuring out what the heck is wrong with me and my sleep cycle, and I have apparently made no progress of any kind, other than, perhaps, to eliminate possible answers -- that would be, every possible answer any doctor came up with.
I don't know what to do. It seems absolutely pointless to go back to the doctor -- any doctor. No doctor can fix me. And it's not like I'm in desperate straits here. I'm functioning. I've survived through life for years and years like this and I can keep surviving, even thriving. It's just that it's absolutely ridiculously stupid that my body is not able to figure out how to do this most basic of simple tasks: fall asleep and stay asleep.
Sorry for the downer post, friends. As I said quite a while back, I've accepted that this seems to be my personal thorn in the flesh -- the persistent trial that God allows in my life to keep me dependent on Him. I've accepted it. That doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. At least not today.