Whatever the diagnosis, I am praying, praying, praying that he can fix this cough. It is exhausting. Not that I cough constantly, but I pretty constantly have the urge to cough. I have to breathe deeply to feel like I'm getting enough oxygen into my lungs. It's like they're stuffed up. And any exertion of any kind sends me into a real coughing fit. Exhausting.
But more even than the physical toll it is taking on me, I'm struggling with the emotional toll. I don't like myself these days. Because I can't do much, I feel like a lazy bum. I feel ashamed of my unproductive days.
And that is pretty ridiculous. I mean, I'm SICK. And I know better than anybody how sick I am. It's not like I can be suspicious that I'm faking it or something.
I'm realizing these last couple weeks how much of my personal value I tie to my productivity. I am only worth something if I am getting things done. Checking off my to-do list. If my husband asks me what I did today and I have an impressive dossier to present.
Apparently, in my heart of hearts, I believe if I were to suddenly be rendered bed-ridden for whatever reason, I would immediately be unworthy of anyone's love or respect.
Where did I get this idea? Who knows. Right now, I'm more concerned that I'm not communicating similar values to my daughters. As much time as they spend sitting around watching TV or playing computer games, I kind of doubt it. But goodness, how critically important it is for me to ensure they understand that their value comes from being a child of God – nothing else.
I suppose it's just as critical that I understand that myself. In fact, that's probably a prerequisite to my kids getting it. So maybe I'll listen to some Casting Crowns today. Not because of what I've done . . . but because of who You are . . .