Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Up and Down . . .

So, the drama team thing. The meeting to announce my ascendance to the helm was postponed to this Sunday. (I'm actually getting a little bit of a head start on the job, though, because I had to cast and direct a skit for this coming Sunday morning.) I don't think the news will probably be a huge surprise to a lot of people. But I'm still anxious about how they'll respond.

The resigning director sent me a list a couple days ago of all the skits the group has done under her leadership and who performed in them. 214 skits in 11 years. Holy cow. Just skimming the list, I started to feel the history behind all this swallow me up.

I can't believe the emotional roller coaster I've been on over this decision. One day, I'm all excited about the possibilities of this group and feeling very confident about my ability to handle it all. The next, I'm wondering what ever possessed me to think I'm as good as all that. After rehearsal for this skit last Sunday, I came home depressed. After last night's rehearsal, I came home hopeful. And I don't think anything happened at either rehearsal to justify my reactions.

I was in charge of a drama team 12 years ago. A much smaller team at a much smaller church, all of the members chosen by me, so a much different scenario. But the couple years I headed up that ministry before we moved away were years of great spiritual growth for me. Mainly because I became so keenly aware of how little control I really had over anything and of what amazing things God can accomplish through me when I let him take the wheel. Apparently, those are lessons I need to learn again.

I think my anxiety will improve after Sunday's meeting and the question of the group's response to me is answered. Although it may take a couple months to really know if they're accepting me and the way I do things. Heck, it'll take me at least that long to figure out the way I do things. In the meantime, I'm back in the routine of daily (sometimes hourly) giving it all over to God again. It's His ministry, not mine. He's the playmaker -- I'm just a player. Gotta remember that.


Nancy B said...

Oh, my! Best wishes for a GREAT year!

Meredith said...

Good luck, Gwen! I'm excited for you! I would be second-guessing myself constantly, too. But I have to remember more that saying that is along the lines of "the scariest things in life are the things most worth doing." if it were an easy or fail-proof thing to do, would it really feel as worthwhile or meaningful? I often find myself trying to take the easy way out, so I think this is something I need to remember MYSELF more often!