That Was One Weird Gift

My friend Julie gave me a surprise birthday party the summer before my senior year, and my friend Kevin gave me a weird gift. Kind of a cool gift, but kinda weird, too. Weird on many levels.

First of all, it was "wrapped" in leg of jeans. He cut the leg off of an old pair of jeans, put the gift inside, and sewed up both ends. I had to cut the jeans to get the gift out. Creative . . . funny! . . . but very weird.

Then, the item I actually fished out of the denim was a decorative wooden box, about seven inches square. Very pretty . . . but I wasn't sure what to think of this. I mean, yeah, it was pretty, but why exactly was he giving me this box? Was it, like, a jewelry box? Was there some meaning behind it? Was it a joke gift? It's not really the kind of thing a boy gives a 17-year-old girl that's his good buddy. I turned it over in my hand a few times wondering how to respond to this -- and getting no clue from everyone around me who seemed as stumped as I was.

"Open it!" Kevin said. Whew! I thought. There's something inside! Now it'll make sense. So I opened the lovely box and found, lying on a pile of potpourri, a sea horse skeleton.

Yes, an actual skeleton of a sea horse. And again, I was stumped.

Because again -- it was kinda cool, but kinda weird. Very delicate and fascinating, but also rather creepy. And again -- who gives this kind of thing to a 17-year-old girl that's your good buddy? Where in the world do you even find a sea horse skeleton anyway? And again, nobody around me was sure what to think of this gift either.

You see, Kevin was kinda like that -- cool, but different. He grinned enthusiastically and gushed about the thing: "See? It's a sea horse! Isn't it awesome?" I wasn't sure if he really meant that or if he wanted us to get the joke and crack up. If he was sincere, I didn't want him to feel bad that we thought his amazing, unique gift was a joke. But if it was a joke, I didn't want him to feel bad that it fell flat. I was totally stumped.

I'm still stumped. I have no clue why Kevin gave me a sea horse skeleton for my 17th birthday.

But you know what? I kept that thing for years. Kept it in the jeans for a long time, but after a while, I tossed the leg of jeans and just kept the box, on a shelf with other decorative items in the house. The potpourri dried up, but the sea horse still lay on it inside.

And guess when I needed that sea horse? When I was homeschooling.

During our study of the ocean, I pulled out that box and showed my girls the skeleton of the sea horse and they ooohed and aaahed to beat the band. For that morning, I was the coolest homeschool mom in the county to have an actual SEA HORSE sitting in a potpourri box on my shelf.

So, there you go, Kev. Thanks for that moment of glory! I'm sure that's what you had in mind way back in the summer of '85.

My Daughter Thinks She's Courting

When I got home last night, hubby and our eldest were watching "19 and Counting", the episode I've heard a lot about lately where one of the daughters is starting to court and they're setting up all the rules for that.

Courting is something I'm familiar with now that I've been a part of the homeschooling world for a decade or so. I haven't experienced it, but I'm familiar with it. I've known families who have done it, in a variety of forms, with their kids. But I had other friends who saw this episode and were astonished at the idea.

For her part, my eldest was horrified. She said, "If you ever made me do this, I'd probably leave home." Her biggest beef was the fact that this couple never got to talk alone together. She'd go crazy if she could never talk to her boyfriend alone, she said.

It all led to an interesting discussion, though, about dating and courtship. Because my daughter believes that if you set aside the ultra-stringent requirements about never being alone so there's little temptation to impurity, she thinks dating someone and courting someone is about the same.

Hubby and I disagree with her strongly. Dating is casual. Dating is not focused on a future goal of marriage, at least not by definition. Dating is a form of entertainment -- at least, that's what it has become in our society. People date folks that they would have no intention of marrying, and might date them for years, even getting very physically serious with them.

But apparently, that's not how our eldest thinks of dating. Sure, there are people out there who misuse dating that way, she says. But dating is supposed to be about finding a mate. She's had a couple other boyfriends before this one, and she says that once she realized this was not a guy she was interested in being with forever, she ended the relationship. Essentially, she said, she's always been "courting". She's "courting" her boyfriend now.

First of all, I'm impressed that my daughter has such a mature view of relationships. But secondly, I'm surprised she doesn't realize how unique she is in looking at relationships that way.

I also need to explain to her today (because I couldn't think how to explain it to her last night) what I see as the major distinction between courtship and dating. One doesn't start courting until you are ready to be married. She and her boyfriend are quite aware that they are not ready to be married right now. They have not completed their educations, they have no income, etc. etc. If she was really courting and not dating, they would have held off having any kind of romantic relationship until marriage was an imminent possibility -- because a romantic relationship that goes on and on for years and years without tying the marital knot puts you in a position of being seriously tempted to go too far physically, for one thing.

Plus, it's kind of "playing" marriage. You're "committed" to someone, but not really. You expect a kind of faithfulness from each other without the maturity or intention to be genuinely faithful as faithfulness is defined. Your faithfulness ends when your interest ends . . . and that's not faithfulness at all: that's training for divorce. You really have no right to make claims on another's heart until you're ready to give them a permanent claim on yours.

So, no honey, you're not courting, you're dating. But really, I'm not big on the courting vs. dating debate, mainly because there's a lot of semantics involved. I don't care what name my daughter gives to the current relationship she has with her boyfriend. I care most that she is willing to talk to me about it and take my advice about how to do this relationship in a wise and healthy way, whatever she's calling it.

Parenting . . . if we knew how hard it was before we got into it, the race would die out.

WDGT - What Does Gwen Think?

Because I feel a tremendous responsibility to my readers -- many of whom, I know, hear of a current event or a piece of news and immediately find themselves wondering, "What Does Gwen Think about this?" -- let me give you a run-down of my opinions and feelings on a few items:

- Ritchie Incognito and the Miami Dolphins.  As far as what went down with Incognito and Jonathan Martin and whether Martin's departure was justified, who really knows. But I have been shocked by what this incident has revealed about the culture of football in our country. Former players and coaches keep being interviewed on the matter, and they all seem to say the same thing: yeah, Incognito got carried away, but this type of behavior is just what happens in the NFL.

So, we pay grown men OBSCENE salaries (players and administrative types) to play a game violent enough to require so much safety equipment covering their bodies as to completely hide their natural body shapes (and they still have horrible -- even life-threatening -- injuries).  We encourage this violent attitude to the extent that behavior and conversations which the rest of society would find extremely offensive and which might land them in jail are normal among these men. And we allow our boys to idolize and try to emulate these men. 

And we allow it all to happen for the sake of being entertained by the game. Are we really that much better than the Romans with their gladiators?

- Black Friday.  I've never shopped on Black Friday because I hate getting up early on a holiday, I hate big crowds, and I don't enjoy shopping in general. But it has gotten a bit ridiculous how early stores are opening. I'm not so upset about the employees having to work on a holiday -- there are thousands of people out there who have to work on holidays. But it just cheapens Thanksgiving Day to make it about shopping now. Nothing is meaningful anymore.

The thing is, the only reason those stores open so early is because they know somebody will show up to shop -- scads of somebodies, in fact. Kind of like how the politicians only use dirty tactics because they know they work. We get what we deserve.

This is related to the football item. The Marketplace is morally neutral, but it makes our societal moral weaknesses so apparent.

- Kennedy and Lincoln. Both on my mind lately. I've read Bill O'Reilly's books about them this year (yes, Killing Jesus is on my Christmas list). Excellent, excellent books -- whatever you think about O'Reilly. The Kennedy movie being on the National Geographic channel (and all the other discussion about the anniversary of his assassination) has led to talk with my daughter about marriage fidelity, communism and the cold war, presidential safety . . . good discussions. (The book is very frank about the president's affairs, but interesting to note, it also says that the Cuban missile crisis struck such fear in him about losing his family that the other women lost much of their appeal.)

The Lincoln book I read a while ago but has been fresh in my mind because my daughter is memorizing the Gettysburg address for school, and they are going to film the class reciting it at Fort Sam Houston National Cemetery for a presentation at the Christmas program. Such an amazing speech.

- The Obamacare ads.  You know, the ones with the women excited to get birth control so they can hop into bed with the guy they just met. Seriously. I mean . . . ugh. It's just . . . it's so . . . I'm sorry.  I can't even find words to communicate my contempt and disgust for this.

- Texas weather. It got down to freezing here the other night, which is apparently extremely unusual for around here this early in the season. My daughter's math teacher had frost on her windshield in the morning and had to sit and think what to do about that. It really has been quite chilly, which is refreshing. My new Texan friends tell me that we have cold spurts like this once in a while, for a few days, all winter long, but then it warms up again. I'm curious to see how we like the winter weather in Texas.  Part of me thinks I'm going to miss having at least some snow. I'll just pray for a white Christmas so I get my snow fix when we're in Kansas for that.

- The President's speech yesterday. Refreshing to hear his more humble attitude. Unfortunately, I don't think this fix is going to fix a thing. And that's all I'm going to say about that.


There you go, friends. This is what I'm thinking these days. Go forth and think likewise. ;)

Let's Get Physical

I keep referring back to that Bill Bennett book -- it really was that good.  (If you're interested, you can get in on Amazon here.)  In a couple chapters, he refers to one Matthew Crawford, an author who wrote Shop Class as Soulcraft and "The Case for Working with your Hands".  Crawford says,

It is a rare person, male or female, who is naturally inclined to sit still for 17 years in school, and then indefinitely at work . . . Some people are hustled off to college, then to the cubicle, against their own inclinations and natural bents, when they would rather be learning to build things or fix things. 

Can I get an "Amen", brothers and sisters??  He continues:

One shop teacher suggested to me that 'in schools, we create artificial learning environments for our children that they know to be contrived and undeserving of their full attention and engagement.  Without the opportunity to learn through the hands, the world remains abstract and distant, and the passions for learning will not be engaged.'"

Oh, yes.  An abstract and distant world.  Contrived, artificial learning environments "undeserving of their attention and engagement".  He hit the nail on the head.  Case in point: a few teenage boys I know through my eldest daughter who I suspect will not be getting their high school diplomas in the next couple years, if ever.

Reading these passages, I remembered Booker T. Washington's autobiography where he described how every student at the negro college he founded was required to learn a skilled trade along with their academic book learning.  And I increasingly see the value of that.

What would it look like if every student had to learn the basics of a skilled trade before they could graduate from high school?  Something physical and concrete -- something they do with their hands.  That could be auto maintenance, hair styling, carpentry, sewing, plumbing . . . there are so many possibilities.  I see tremendous benefits to this requirement.

For one, no more issues with kids graduating and not having the basic skills to make a living.  Have you had a plumber in to work on your pipes lately?  They make a darn good living.

Also, the skilled trades would have their dignity restored to them, as would the students who excel in those trades.  I remember the kids in my English classes who were outshone all day long by the honors brats -- but who, if given the chance, could have put the brats to shame in the industrial arts department.  I always kind of longed for them to know what it felt like to excel over their peers for once.

But even more so, I think it would do everyone some good to have to work with their hands.  I'm a perfect example of this.  I live in my head; I'm an academic nerd.  The few opportunities I get to do something physical and concrete (like take care of the lawn, snow-blow the driveway, or try to figure out how to repair something in the house) can be very aggravating, but they are also fulfilling in a way.  I wish I had the skills to do stuff like that. I can imagine what my friends experience when they say that going out and working on the car they're fixing up in the garage is very relaxing to them. 

Yeah . . . let's do that.  Add that to graduation requirements. I think I need to start my own school . . .

Meekness and the Profoundly Stupid

Rehoboam -- anyone heard of him?  Anybody ever heard a sermon preached on the son of Solomon?  I suspect not.  But I'm thinking there are some youth groups out there that could use a lesson on the man.  Let me summarize the story for you.

When King Solomon died, his son Rehoboam took over the throne of Israel.  Right off the bat, a group of folks who'd been unhappy with Solomon's treatment of them -- led by one Jeroboam -- came and asked him if he'd cut them a bit more slack than his daddy had.  Rehoboam asked his father's old advisors what he should say to the people, and they advised him to appease the folks.  Be kind to them, and they'll always serve you, they said.

But Rehoboam apparently didn't like that answer.  He went to his buddies he grew up with and asked them their opinion.  And they said to tell the people, "You think my dad was harsh?  You ain't seen nothin' yet!"  Which is what Rehoboam did.  Which drove Jeroboam and his cohorts to rebel against the king, dividing the nation of Israel into two nations . . . and the rest is very unfortunate history.

Now, let's stop a moment and consider how profoundly stupid this advice was and how profoundly stupid Rehoboam was to follow it.  Just what was to be gained by being a domineering, overbearing jerk to his people?  Why should this brand new king start his reign by trying to control his subjects with fear rather than by inspiring them with loyalty? 

But this is a typical response of insecure young men.  I see it even today in my daughter's friends.  Gotta show them I'm the big man.  Flex the muscles.  Spit out the insult.  Rev up the car engine at the stoplight.

Where do our boys get this idea of strength?  Is it inbred -- a testosterone thing?  Do they really have no models in their lives of genuine strength?  My daughter blames the movies and video games they entertain themselves with. Not having raised any boys myself, I suspect all of the above are to blame, but I put the greatest blame on the lack of role models.  Most of these boys that I know have no father at home . . . or a mostly absent father . . . or an abusive father/step-father/boyfriend in the house . . .

Men need to be strong, I think, to have respect for themselves.  Unfortunately, many men have totally whacked-out images of what strength is.  There's a fabulous word in the Bible whose definition has been warped in today's society:  meek.  These days, being meek means being soft and easily imposed on -- a doormat.  Meekness is considered a deficiency in spirit.

But that's not the Biblical definition.  When scripture talks about a person being meek, it means he is able to endure injury from another without having to fight back -- not because he can't fight back, but because he doesn't need to.  Meekness is being big enough to not have to have your own way all the time.  Meekness is choosing to submit to another's will -- not because you have no choice, but because you choose to do so.  "Absolute power under perfect control" . . .  one has to be incredibly strong to be truly meek.

And meekness is a fruit of the Spirit.  Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.  Somebody should have told that to Rehoboam and his profoundly stupid buddies.

Dear Teenage Boys

Having a lovely 16-year-old girl in my home has resulted in my being exposed to an interesting array of goofy teenage boys.  Okay, so the goofiness isn’t always a primary quality of their characters, but they definitely have their goofy ways.  I so often find myself wanting to sit these boys down and fill them in on things.  Particularly on the ways of women. 

Of course, I resist the temptation.  I don’t want to be THAT mom.  Both of my girls would probably be mortified.  But I have a blog and can write what I want here, so here goes my lecture:

 

Boys, you stress about the wrong things.  Looks just aren’t that big of a deal.  Yes, get a decent haircut, take care of your skin, pick your clothes with a bit of care, and bathe regularly.  But the girls who refuse to date anyone who is not drop-dead gorgeous are not the kind of girls you want a relationship with anyway -- they will constantly be looking around for a better-looking guy.

Being fit and active is attractive, but wash-board abs are pointless.  Scrap the stupid photos of yourself shirtless in front of the bathroom mirror.  Nobody cares – and again, the girls who do care are not girls you want.

Money – meh.  It comes and goes.  Same with all the material things – cars and such.  Athletic ability is admirable, but no more so than any other ability.  No, I'm not kidding about that.  I know it seems like the jocks get all the attention, but that's just because their ability is out there for display more.

You want to know the number one quality that makes a guy attractive to a girl?  Here it is – the magic formula:  CONFIDENCE.  Not arrogance – that’s something else entirely (don't miss that crucial point).  When a guy is confident . . . when he knows who he is, what he can do and can’t do, what he values, what he believes, where he intends to go in life . . . when he can stand up to criticism without wilting, when he can accept challenge as a welcome opportunity to grow . . . I'm telling you, this is almost irresistible.  I have seen some really homely-looking men fighting off beautiful woman after beautiful woman because of the air of confidence they have around them.  To a woman, they feel solid.  Reliable.  Strong.  Safe.  A rock.  Don’t under-estimate the strong female need for security.

Now, I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that girls your age are mature enough to pick the average-looking confident boy over the arrogant, popular jock.  They are still in high school.  They are still immature.  But I will tell you that they will respect you more, and they will come to you when their arrogant jock boyfriends let them down -- which they always will.  AND, I can almost assure you: once you get to the later college years and beyond, you will have it all over the shallow pretty-boys. 

Confidence is key.  Start building that confidence now -- not by acting confident when you have no reason to be so (that's arrogance), but by doing the legitimate work to become a man whom a woman would want someday.  Get an education.  Figure out what you're good at and get better at it.  Find your weaknesses and work on them.  Have a vision for your future that is realistic and exciting.  Be passionate about something that matters.  Do hard things.  Find an identity that has nothing to do with who's crushing on you.  Know thyself, as Socrates says.  Get to know the God who made you so he can fill you in about what you were made for.

And be patient.  You'll thank me someday.

 

Let's Make a Case for Modesty

I saw this on FB last week and haven’t been able to let go of it.  Dick Gregory reportedly has said, “If I’m a woman and I’m walking down the street naked, you still don’t have the right to rape me.”  Alrighty then.  Duly noted, Mr. Gregory.

And if I have a house full of expensive electronic equipment and leave town for a week with the front door standing wide open, you still don’t have the right to rob me.  And if I take $40,000 out of the ATM, spread it on my dashboard and leave the car in the mall parking lot with the windows open, you don’t have the right to take it.  My stupidity does not justify your evil.  However, my stupidity may still be worthy of mention and rebuke.

I understand Mr. Gregory’s point.  To blame a woman for her rape because she dressed or behaved seductively is inexcusable.  The rapist is to blame for the rape – and he should come under the full penalty of the law regardless of how the woman was looking or behaving.  And if the legal system is allowing rapists to get away with their crime because of the behavior of their victims, this should be changed.  No reasonable human being would argue this.

But is it not worth noting that a woman who chooses to dress and behave seductively in an environment where there are likely to be bad men who will have no qualms about taking that bait she’s offering – laid out on the dashboard with the windows open – well, she’s being stupid!  When did the right to “express your sexuality” become the freedom to flaunt your goods to the world and think that you should never have to worry about bad guys trying to take them without permission?  Nobody else has that “freedom”.  We all know there are bad guys out there and we lock up and protect our goods from them.  We drive defensively – we lock our houses – we pocket our billfolds – and we cover up our boobs.

There’s a line here between freedom and responsibility, and I’m seeing too many feminists dance a little too close to it.

Keepin' Things New

Last night, we did Christmas here at home with our immediate family. Yes, that's a week early. In New Jersey, we started opening our presents to each other at home before we flew back to Kansas for the holidays. It didn't seem to make sense to ship our gifts to each other to Kansas and then ship them back again. Anyway, the tradition has stuck. And every evening of this week is busy, so this was the only night we could do it.

And we had a new twist to the tradition this year . . . our eldest's boyfriend was there, too. He was over studying with her for finals (and yes, I think they got at least a little bit of actual studying done), and he just ended up staying. She had been invited to go with his family to his aunt's earlier today, but they ended up not going. Still, they're only 15 . . . only been dating a couple months . . . and they're joining each other's families for minor holiday get-togethers. Ah, it begins.

I thought it would be weird to add someone to our holiday traditions. It wasn't. He's a good kid. We didn't have a lot of gifts to open this year, so it was kind of low key. We all played Eastin's new Monopoly Deal game afterwards (the gift she got for finding the pickle ornament on the tree), and then Apples to Apples. A pleasant evening.

In a way, it was kind of nice to add something new. I'm all for traditions, but I like to freshen things up, too. Kind of like how the Bible says to "sing a new song" to the Lord. The old hymns are awesome, but you gotta add something new to keep things . . . well, new.