My Crowded Mind

I'll be blunt: I have nothing profound to say today. If it weren't for the fact that I try to make writing a discipline and I've been lax on that discipline in the last couple weeks, I wouldn't even attempt a blog post today at all.

One reason I have nothing profound to say is because I have so many different strands of thought going in my mind right now that none of them can dip very far beneath the surface to find deep connections in my psyche. Wanna hear about all those strands? Sure you do.

- The Film Festival -- which I wrote about last post. Still going through tomorrow. The director of a local homeschool theater company jokingly suggested that I should teach a film-making class this summer since I'm all excited about the concept now. Which really was a joke. Until I thought about it more. And now I'm actually stupid enough to be considering the idea seriously. (Just what makes me think I can teach a film-making class? I have no idea. But, you know, I asked myself the same question in the middle of directing my first play . . . "What made you think you could do this??" And yet I did it.)

- The School Play -- which I am directing. This project has been a challenge on many levels. Many beginner actors. Very little rehearsal time. Limited storage for props and costumes. Little to no access to our actual performance space until the final dress rehearsal. So many details . . . it seems like this play is on my mind at some level 24/7. Two weeks from today is performance day . . .

- School Next Year -- I wrote earlier about how my daughter's high school is not continuing and we're trying to start a homeschool co-op. Lots of research and thought and planning going into that. Plus, I'm teaching the English for that co-op . . . even more research and thought and planning. And I'm starting to wonder if I just want to do the history myself, also. (Believe it or not, I may prefer that to hunting down and paying for a curriculum that I may not end up liking.) Always on the brain . . .

- Grammar -- I offered to help the school come up with a new grammar curriculum for the whole school -- because what they do now isn't working well. And because I love grammar. So, I will find myself at times just thinking through grammar concepts, and ways to teach them, and what needs to be taught before what, and on and on . . .

- Launching the Eldest -- My older daughter has a lot of significant things happening in her life right now. She's doing a College Plus program called Navigate that is supposed to help her find focus and direction for her life. She's getting ready to start classes at St. Philip's College in the fall. She's buying a car (well, we will own it, but we're walking her through the gruntwork of the purchase). She's looking for a job. She's getting ready for her boyfriend to possibly move to San Antonio in a couple months. And in all of this, she needs our support and guidance.

- Curriculum Writing -- The company for whom I write Bible study guides just sent me transcripts of the DVDs for my next assignment, a Bible study over the Song of Solomon. I have five weeks to write leader guides for six sessions. Scripture about loving God, His loving us, etc. etc. . . .

- Summer Drama Camps -- The afore-mentioned homeschool theater director asked if I'd be willing to teach any other drama camps this summer. So, the idea of a two-week performance camp for elementary kids is also shaping in my mind . . .

- Junior High English Classes Next Year -- I will still be teaching junior high literature at Summit Christian Academy next year, and occasionally thoughts about those classes start floating through my head . . .

- English Classes THIS Year -- And this school year isn't over yet: Don Quixote and Tale of Two Cities are still on my plate before summer break, among other things.

- Driver's Ed -- for the younger daughter -- she's itching to start.

- Bible Study Fellowship -- still have to keep up with this. (And I'm bracing myself to be asked to be a group leader in the fall . . . can I really add that to the pile?)

- Prayer List -- there are several people I've felt strongly convicted to pray for that God keeps bringing up at random moments . . . Now -- they need you to lift them up right now . . . 

- Birthdays -- both of my daughters have theirs at the end of April. Which I just remembered the other day.

AND HANGING OVER IT ALL . . .

- Tan pants. My daughter needs them. For the play. I hate clothes shopping so much, this may be the item on the list that weighs on me the most.

So there. A tour of the innards of my mind this Spring Break week. Aren't you glad you're just visiting and not living here for the duration? :)

Weekend Wonderings

And it's Monday morning again. And again, I don't know what to blog about.

We had a busy weekend, and I could tell you all about that, but frankly, I know most of you don't care. I mean, okay -- you care . . . you're not cold, heartless people. But you don't want to hear the details of our social life.

And you probably don't want to hear this, either. But what I'm going to write about is a couple little things I found myself wondering over the weekend.

We went to the Texas Renaissance Festival on Saturday, and I found myself wondering about the people who do this kind of thing on a regular basis. First of all, can you really make a living at this stuff, or is this a hobby that you support with a boring "real job" the rest of the year?

But also, what kind of person is willing to take on a persona like that and live that way every weekend? I mean, I'm an actress; I understand the fun of being a different person for a while. But some of these are odd folks, my friends. Have you been to a Renaissance Fair? Interesting, yes -- entertaining often -- but also pretty freaky.

I've thought before that my ideal retirement job would be to volunteer at a historical site somewhere, giving the tours and informational talks in character. I would love that. But were I to do that, I would not choose the type of character these folks were playing. This had nothing to do with history -- this had to do with having an excuse to be outrageous and outlandish and get legally paid to do so.

I also found myself wondering, if an actual person from the Renaissance jumped forward in time and showed up at one of these events, would they recognize anything? Would they be just as freaked out by the weirdos? Or was the Renaissance really as weird as all this?

And weren't knights and jousts from the middle ages? A few centuries before the Renaissance? Does anyone at these events really care about the timelines here?

Anyway. On to other wonderings from the weekend.

Yesterday, our school held a fall festival to raise money. Adding on the secondary school has proved rather costly (we have a new 9th grade class this year and will add classes as they move up). A high school is much more expensive than an elementary school. And a brand new high school needs to prove itself before it gets enough students enrolled to support the program through tuition. Thus the need for a lot of fund-raisers this year.

Here's what my husband suggested and what I keep thinking: there are some incredibly wealthy people out there. Lots of them, really. People who could give up the several thousand dollars it takes to run this secondary school for a year and never miss it. And some of those people have a real passion for education. Some of them have a real passion for the faith, and for young people being raised up and trained as warriors for the kingdom.

There is a person out there somewhere who would love nothing more than to pay the operating expenses for this school for a few years until the enrollment is such that it can support itself. We just don't know how to find that person. How do you find that person?

This I wonder.

If I Were A Super Hero . . .

My decision a couple years ago to commit to writing three blog posts a week has resulted in several mornings of staring at a blank computer screen wondering what to write about.

Fortunately, I subbed in a sixth grade class yesterday that was brainstorming subjects for a writing assignment. They had to agree on one as a class (teacher's instructions, not mine), and they eventually had it narrowed down to three: movies (meh), outdoor activities (bleh), and superheroes. One girl complained that she didn't know enough about superheroes to write three paragraphs about them. I tried to suggest some different angles on the topic -- like, if you were a superhero, what super powers would you want to have?

And thus I have a topic for this morning.  If I were a superhero, what superpowers would I want to have?

Super strength?  I guess that would be okay. Thing is, in my life, there are not very many instances where super strength would be required. I mean, I'm sure my husband would have been most grateful had I been able to take apart by myself all the pieces of our concrete fountain in the courtyard when he needed to replace the motor, but such needs don't come up very frequently.

Invisibility? Oh, dear. I'm not sure I want to know what goes on behind closed doors when I'm not around. It may just depress me . . . or obligate me to take action I don't want to take. I think I prefer to stay blissfully happy in my ignorance. (Which, it occurs to me, is a tendency in myself I may want to examine a bit more closely . . . but that's for another day and probably not for public consumption, so moving on . . . )

Reading minds?  See the preceding paragraph. X-ray vision? Ditto.

Super speed? Aha! Now this one flips my switch! I can SO see myself zipping around the house getting chores done.  Dashing through the grocery store in minutes flat. Exercise? It'd be a breeze! Oh, yeah -- this one goes to the top of the list.

Flying? Hmmm.  I suppose it would come in handy in tandem with the super speed. And if I also have super strength, so I can grab my kids and their backpacks and soar across all the big city traffic to get them to school in the mornings. (They'd love that, too.  More time to sleep in.) My fear of heights tempers my excitement, however. And my dislike for the cold -- I bet it's cold up there.

What other super powers are there?  There are some more obscure ones: heat rays or freeze rays coming from the eyes.  The ability to climb walls. The mom in "The Incredibles" had the stretchy thing going on. These all strike me as cool but of less practical use. Yes, it would be nice to be able to reach the remote lying on the sofa without having to get up or something, but it wouldn't impact my life that much.

And now it occurs to me that super powers are not supposed to be about how they impact MY life.  They are intended to help others. Well, darn it. I suppose I need to re-think this all now.

But I won't.  Because I now have a blog post written. Mission accomplished.

And More Updates

So, I think it's time for some updates on the Kandt family's progress here in San Antonio.

• As of yesterday, we are officially moved into our new house. Hallelujah! We thought we were moving in last Friday, but the movers couldn't make it by then. We had to be out of the apartment by noon Friday, so we were in a hotel room over the weekend. I have spent a lot of time the last several days carrying our family's necessaries up and down stairs, between apartment, hotel room, and house. I should have lost weight. But I bet I haven't.
• As of last Wednesday, we weren't going to have internet, cable or phone at the new house until the 13^th. That was almost worthy of a big cry. That's a week and a half in our house without things that have become much too necessary in our lives. But I've been checking with AT&T a few times a day, hoping for cancellations in their installation schedule . . . and my persistence paid off! They're coming to install this Friday! Another hallelujah!
• As the movers were unloading yesterday morning, my husband left town for a week-long business trip. That really stinks. It was sad being here in our new house last night without him. I miss him a lot.
• I already wrote about my youngest's cross country experience. But the afternoon of that first meet, she also auditioned for “A Christmas Carol” at a local youth theater. We got word Monday evening that she was cast as the Ghost of Christmas Present! A pretty significant role for her first play there – and probably as big of a role as she could get as a female in that show. Her audition there was different than we've experienced anywhere else. They took each kid into a room behind the stage where they listened to their memorized one-minute monologue (my daughter did an excerpt from the book: Scrooge's fiancée releasing him) and had them do a short reading from the play. Nobody saw anyone else's audition. Not sure what I think of that. But I'll say this: while I was waiting for her to come out, I was thinking, If I were casting this play, I'd cast her as the Ghost of Christmas Present. So, of course, I assume this director is brilliant. :)
• The oldest is plugging along in school. It is definitely more academically challenging than Sioux City East was. She was assigned a C.S. Lewis essay to read and answer questions about, and even I found it pretty difficult. Next week, they have a required overnight retreat for the juniors and seniors that she doesn't want to go to. She doesn't like being away from home anyway, and she doesn't know too many people at school very well yet. I'm hoping it ends up being a good experience for her. She also can't get over the strict uniform guidelines (only black hair ties?  No bracelets or necklaces?). But I think she looks darn cute in her uniform, actually.
• The youngest is enjoying school. She even comes home anxious to do homework. We'll see how long that lasts!
• I'm unpacking. And I'm really tired. But it's a good tired. I love my new house, and I'm enjoying making it our own. But I do wish my husband was here. And the internet was on. And the cable TV.  Okay, I'll stop whining now. 

On Clutter, Carpet Stains, and Baseboards

So, we're getting the house ready for showing -- a couple of realtors are stopping by today and tomorrow.  This process mainly consists of three things: 1) packing up stuff to put temporarily in storage so the house looks less cluttered, 2) covering up the nicks and scratches and other little evidences that human life occurred here, and 3) deep cleaning.  And when I come up for air enough to think about what I'm doing, I have these thoughts:

- This stuff that we're putting away in storage . . . why do we have it?  We have a big house; how is it possible that we could have so much stuff that this big of a house could ever look "cluttered"?  Well, one primary reason is because we have stuff that we attach a sentimental value to and can't get rid of.  Why do we put emotional value on things?  I remember talking about this in scrapbooking classes I taught.  Moms asked me, what do I do about all the pictures my little girl drew, all the papers my little boy brought home from school . . . ?  I said, spread them out on the dining room table, take a picture of them, and toss them.  Put the picture in the scrapbook so you remember what they did.  You simply can't keep everything.  Keep the memory, not the thing.

- Even weirder, we have stuff that doesn't mean much of anything to us, but it was given to us by somebody and it apparently meant a lot to them.  So, we keep it for their sake.  Those people may not ever even come to our house -- or if they do, they may never notice that that particular item is nowhere to be seen.  But we keep it, just in case.  Weird.

- We're touching up paint, polishing wood, attacking old carpet stains.  I have to admit, the house looks nice.  Why don't we care this much about how the house looks when we're just living in it every day?  Why are we satisfied to live in drabness when a couple days of work a year makes it looks so much nicer -- and saves us days of hard labor like this when it's time to sell the house?  We're too lazy to do nice things for ourselves.

- When I'm looking at houses to buy, do I notice if the baseboards are dirty?  Do I see small cobwebs in the high corners of the ceiling?  If I do, do they make me not want to buy the house?  Am I really only interested in buying and living in a house that looks perfect and unlived in?

Okay, that's all the time I have for reflection.  Back to the baseboards.

Nothing

I shouldn't be writing this morning, I suppose.  I don't have anything to write about.  Well, I have plenty I could write about, but it is of the to-do list variety -- or the worry list variety -- and nothing anyone would be interested in reading, I'm sure.  But as I've said before, this blog is as much about my being disciplined in writing as it is about whatever brilliance I have to share with the world.

So, here I'm writing.

I could write about the play happening Friday, but I expect I'll want to write about that Friday (and hopefully, we'll have had a good rehearsal Thursday and I'll be feeling better about the play before I write about it).  I could write about the move to San Antonio, but I wrote about that Monday. 

I could write about my adult dance class last night, rehearsing the piece we're doing for the dance recital, to Michael Jackson's "Off the Wall", which was running through my head all night long every time I woke up . . . which was too often.  But I'm ready to get that song out of my head . . . "Out-, Out darned song . . . ", to paraphrase a Much Better Writer than I.

I bet he would have something to blog about this morning.

I could write about my dream I had this morning after the alarm went off and I fell back asleep.  I dreamt I was subbing and didn't have any plans to work with until the bell rang to start class.  Then the plans I got were almost incomprehensible -- three different groups in the class were doing three different things, one having to do with cooking a meal, another utilizing a Bunsen burner.  A Bunsen burner, people!  I was freaking -- I figured I'd burn the school down!  And my mother was there watching me for some reason (like, it was parent observation day for the substitute teachers), and I was so disappointed that here she was seeing me at my worst.

Trying to decide if I should analyze that dream for deep meaning or let it go as a brain fart.  I'm leaning toward letting it go.  My friend was telling me on the way back from dance class last night that she's had a couple dreams lately about taking the wheel of a car from somebody.  Now she's scared she's going to be asked to lead something. 

Have I found anything to write about yet?  Nah, I don't think so.  Okay, I give up.  I'll be brilliant for you all next week.  Prepare yourself -- you will be astounded.  Really.  Mm-hmm.

I'd Like To Thank . . .

 . . . a few people for little things they did that make a big difference in my life.

Cindy: for homeschooling in front of me and showing me how very normal it can be – even better than “normal”.

Mike, my former boss: for standing behind me when the superintendent’s son plagiarized a paper in my class and I gave him an F.  My first step in training to do the right hard things.

Eileen: for voicing out loud in front of me her pep talks to herself on crappy days – “We must not grow weary of doing good . . . “  I will forever hear that precious verse in a Puerto Rican accent.

Randy: for saying, “I know you keep telling me you’re not a writer – and, okay, I believe you – but I would love to see you take a shot at writing one of these skits.”  There’s about fifty homeschool kids in Sioux City who’ve performed in the eight plays I’ve written for them . . . they’d like to thank you, too.

Tracy:  for being a faithful prayer warrior.  “Was there anything going on at 2:30am last night?  I got the overwhelming urge to pray for your family, so I got up and prayed.  After about an hour, I felt more peace and went to bed.  But if you ever find out what was going on at 2:30 last night, I’d love to know!”  I never found out . . . but I suspect whatever it was didn’t happen because you were a faithful guard at the watchtower.

Scott:  for telling me at a Godspell dance rehearsal in early July 2006, “You really look good tonight, Gwen!”  I know you were just being polite, but you didn't know the pit of all-consuming despair I was in that night and how healing it was for a handsome young man to tell me I looked good, just for a moment.

Thank you, friends.  I pray that I learn to be as faithful in the small things as you were.

Taking Requests, Sort Of

For some reason, I had a really lousy night of sleep last night.  Woke up almost every hour.  Can't tell you why.  But during a few of those wakeful moments, I lay there and wondered what I was going to blog about today.

Not that I don't have ideas.  I keep a list of interesting quotes, fleeting thoughts, and what-all that I suspect could be fodder for future posts.  There's something in there I could have expounded on for a few paragraphs.

But the thing is, since the New Year, my readership has declined dramatically, as least as measured by the number of pageviews on each post.  (I realize some of you get these by email, and those don't register as pageviews.  Also, if someone reads the blog by going to the main site and not clicking on an individual post, it doesn't register as a pageview either.  But still -- numbers are down.) 

Not that this is a huge deal to me.  Because, as I've said before, my primary purpose for this blog is purely selfish, I'm afraid.  It trains me in the discipline of a writer.  It also give me a place to articulate thoughts and feelings and ideas for myself.  I'm one of those people who doesn't feel like I understand something if I can't put it into words well.  My blog organizes my brain.

On the other hand, if that were the only purpose for the blog, I could keep it in a ratty notebook somewhere instead of on a fancy little page online for the world to see.  Fact is, knowing that others are reading my brain farts makes me take them more seriously.  And getting reaction and feedback from intelligent friends (and even the flaky ones) sharpens my thinking process. 

So, the decline in readership upsets me a bit -- and, I'll admit, hits my pride to some extent.  I mean, where the heck did everybody go?

However, pondering this all in bed this morning at 2:30 . . . and 3:30 . . . and 4:30 (stupid, elusive sleep) . . . I wondered what people would be interested in reading about on my blog.  I have a pretty broad topic base -- I write about education, the Bible, politics, current events, family issues, my faithwalk.  And I haven't noticed much of a pattern necessarily, in the past, as to what people read and what they pass by.

So, here's a chance for you to chime in.  What do you enjoy reading the most here?  What would you like to see me write more about?  Not that I'm promising to go there, but if I know people are interested in engaging in this conversation versus that one, the preferred topic may be on my mind more.  Leave me a comment or something and let me know.

Because frankly, the only posts that have gotten significant readership since the New Year have been about sex.  And . . . you know . . . I hate to think my friends are all about that . . .

Thoughts While Watching the Municipal Band Concert on my Anniversary

The Grandview Park Bandshell.  Lots of folks sitting
behind us and to either side of us.

- This is a PERFECT night for an outdoor concert!  It's the last concert of the year, and I bet it's the first concert they've had this summer where the temperature was under 90.  So glad hubby suggested this.

- A mother is sitting on a blanket right by us with the most adorable little baby.  Probably just under a year old.  Almost makes me miss the baby years . . . or look forward to the grandma years.

- I'm looking at the program -- I don't recognize a single song until the "Ultimate Patriotic Sing-along" at the end. Hmm.  Maybe I'll recognize them when I hear them.

- A couple just rode up in front of us on their bikes.  They lay their bikes down, got out their folding chairs, and the woman took off her shoes.  She's walking around in the grass in her socks.  I'm not sure why that seems odd to me.

- And speaking of that grass, it is so dead.  I'm grateful tonight for our sprinkler system, or we'd be trying to sell our house in the near future with a dead, brown lawn.

- I still don't know any of the music. It's all good music, but I don't know it.  And that baby is still dang adorable.

- I love this bandshell.  Everytime I'm here, I think about how awesome it would be to go to a Shakespeare in the Park production here.  Or to be in one.  A couple summers ago, I was in a Shakespeare in the Park evening in the Rose Garden, right behind this bandshell.  That was cool.  This would be cooler.

- Some poor lady behind us is having a coughing fit that won't quit.  I hope she's okay.  I wonder if I need to offer her a mint or something.

- My knees hurt.  I must be getting old if I can't sit through an hour long concert without my knees hurting.



The results of drought in Iowa.

- Aha -- a medley of movie music.  I know most of these.

- The host, Dave Madsen, told a Sven and Olie joke.  I think he tells at least one at every concert.  Until these concerts, I'd never heard a Sven and Olie joke outside of Lindsborg.

- The fountains spouting out of the front of the stage are very soothing.  A fen shui thing, I guess.  Maybe we need to invest in one of those little inside fountain things.  And oh my gosh, this baby is too adorable to stand!!!

- The Ultimate Patriotic Sing-Along ends with "God Bless the U.S.A.".  One image always pops into my head when I hear this song.  The gulf war started the last day of the first semester of my first year of teaching.  The next day was a teacher work day.  Everybody was listening to their radios, watching TVs, talking about the war while we finished our grades and got them in.  I vividly remember walking into a fellow teacher's quiet, empty room where she was sitting at her desk with the radio on beside her.  This song was playing.  And she was crying.  It's hard not to cry when I hear this song.

- And the concert's over.  This is a darn good group of musicians for a volunteer municipal band in a not-terribly-big city.  An enjoyable evening . . . a nice way to celebrate 23 years of marriage.

# 500

This, my friends, is my 500th blog post.  That amazes me.  When I started blogging almost four years ago -- just to keep my Jersey friends up-to-date on our move to Iowa -- I never imagined it would last this long or become this valuable to me. 

I realize many of you are relatively new readers, so in honor of this milestone, I thought I'd give you a quick introduction to some of the highlights of my last four years on the web.

"The Hawkeye State" -- post number four, about my first impressions of my new home state.

The "Comments to Ona" series -- where I had a discussion with my friend about why I believe what I believe.  Start with this link and check the archives to the right for the rest (a total of eight, between March and April of '09). 

"Thoughts While Driving the Garden State Parkway to the Tappan Zee" -- from a visit back to Jersey in the spring of '09.  One of my personal favorites.

"Praying at the Rodeo", "Pigs, Pies and Cow Chip Bingo", and "Are You Ready to Watch Some Cars Get Smashed Up?" -- adventures in Iowa.

"Now Listen, You Rich People" -- the first in another series, this one about what the Bible has to say to the rich.  This started a lot of interesting conversations . . . again, it's a series of five or six posts, all following this one. 

"Being a Conservative" -- my most read post, far and away.  Three times as many pageviews as the next most read and about ten times as many as I average per post.  I have no idea where all those readers came from, but that's pretty cool. 

"How to Cuss" -- another one of my personal favorites.  :) 

"Let's Caucus" -- my account of the Iowa State Caucuses this year.


So, these are some of my favorites . . . or most widely-read . . . or the ones that seemed to generate a lot of interest.  (I haven't included my Panama posts because they're pretty recent.)  But I would be very curious to hear if you have another favorite.  It's always helpful to know what people appreciate most that I write about -- numbers of pageviews or comments don't always tell the whole story.

And thank you again to those of you who read my silly musings.  I do appreciate you more than you know.  :)

Other Little Grumblings

I'm really not in as much of a grumbly mood as this week's posts would indicate, but I do have a few grumbles I want to get out of my system.

- I think I'm going to have to break down and buy some long underwear. Iowa's cold. I can add more layers to my top half, but the bottom half is still always chilled.

- If musical artists are going to do covers of well-known Christmas songs, I wish they'd at least do something different with them. I mean, the same orchestration, the same melody, the same sound . . . what's the point? At least do the American Idol thing and make it your own.

- I usually love the wide open sky in Iowa, but not on mornings like this when the sky is the same solid sheet of white as the blanket of snow on the ground. It's a little freaky. Makes me feel like I'm living in a coloring book.

- My hands are cold. All. The. Time. My feet, too, but I can wear socks on my feet. I would feel very strange wearing gloves around the house all day. Not to mention how impractical it is.

- As I was typing that last one, hubby and I heard a thud in the kitchen and he said, "Well, Tagger bit the dust again." He can't get traction on the hard floor and goes splat on his belly. This poor mutt. Lord, make it clear to us when it's time to put the sweet boy to rest.

- The Republican debate here next week is sold out. Bummer. I don't know how often I'll get a chance to see something like that.

Grumble, grumble. On a positive note, the youngest and I ate lunch at Pizza Hut yesterday and I had a BBQ pizza. Mmmmmm. The small blessings of life.

My Life, These Days

WRITING -- We had auditions for the 2nd-5th grade homeschool play last Tuesday, so now I have to finish the script before next Tuesday. Lots of random sheep in this play, so now that I know the kids I have to work with, I have to tailor personalities to each character that the kids can portray successfully. The girly sheep . . . the whiny sheep . . . the sassy sheep . . . P-Dawg, the sheep with bling . . . it's fun, but intense. Got a lot to finish up this weekend.

HOMESCHOOLING -- Just starting to get into a real routine here with the youngest. She's in class at the middle school for one period a day -- P.E. half the week and orchestra the other half. That's fifth hour, which cuts our day in two. Makes it tricky to figure out how to work everything else in around it effectively. But the good news is, she's out in time to do homeschool choir and homeschool drama in the spring.

THE DOG -- Oh, this poor mutt! All summer long, he's been up and down, eating and starving. Two days ago, he just stopped eating again -- the same food he's been devouring for the past couple weeks. I don't know. You gotta eat to live, and we can't force him to eat. Between doctoring up food for him and taking him out frequently to avoid messes in the house, our home life seems to revolve around the dog anymore. It will almost be a relief when his time comes . . . but it will be sad, too.

CHURCH DRAMA -- . . . feels like it's hiccupping along lately. I don't like all the skits I've been writing, and several of them haven't been used anyway, and actors are having to back out on me . . . just kind of frustrating. Feeling a little bit of burn-out, I think. I need a Kim Jacob at Sunnybrook.

AMBIEN CR -- Which puts me to sleep for 5 or 6 hours. Then I wake up, think of something I have coming up during the next day, and have a moment of anxiety that takes a while to calm down from. Then I doze restlessly for another couple hours with some very bizarre dreams. And I feel like I'm half-sleepwalking for the rest of the day. I'm trying to decide if this is acceptable or not.

THAT 70s SHOW -- The eldest is into this show now. It's very funny. It's also rather inappropriate. What to do, what to do.

Such Randomness

OK, I'll be blunt. I have nothing in particular to say today. I just feel like I need to write for the discipline of it. I used to make my students do this -- write for five minutes straight without stopping, just to force their thoughts onto paper and see how their thoughts progress. Always an interesting exercise.

Leslie went to school this morning feeling lousy. Kinda sucks because she has to take ITED tests today in English -- her last class of the day. If she comes home sick, she has to make them up. If she stays and takes them, she's not taking them at her best. What to do, what to do . . .

Eastin's not feeling great either. I told her she can stay in her PJs until the kids come over this afternoon for writing class. It's a dreary day out -- that doesn't help any. She also woke up feeling sad about the dog getting older and not running up the stairs to jump on her bed and play in the morning anymore. We got hormones kicking in here, I believe.

I slept lousy last night. Who knows why. I'm struggling with what to do about my sleep problems. I saw my primary doc this week to renew a couple prescriptions, and he didn't have much good to say about what my other doc is trying to help me sleep. Not that he thought it was harmful -- just not going to be helpful. And he was gracious about it -- just a professional disagreement. But now I don't know who to believe. I just know nothing anybody is doing is helping.

We have Creative Team meeting this morning. Hard to be creative on a dreary day like this. Maybe I should make some cookies or something to take along. Yeah, that's good for the diet.

Speaking of diet, I'm still losing weight. The lowest I've been in . . hmmm . . maybe a decade? A long time. I stopped keeping close track of my weight when it got high enough that it made me sad. A few weeks ago, the homeschool PE group went swimming at the Y. When I looked at myself in the mirror in my swimsuit, I was startled. I didn't look like me! If I keep up the weight loss, I may need to get a new swimsuit for summer -- and the one I was wearing was pretty new.

Having a good week with Eastin in school. We're taking a week break from History (which we do occasionally) and I'm catching up on some little math and grammar issues she's been having. A fraction of a number means it's a multiplication problem. When you figure out the area of a triangle, you have to remember to divide by two. Four cubed doesn't mean four times three -- she knows that, but doesn't do exponents enough to remember it.

We also wrote some fun songs about verbs yesterday. Yes, really! When the girls were little, I made up a whole bunch of silly songs and hand rhymes for them to remember the parts of speech and such. They were VERY effective -- one of these days I may try to publish a book about teaching grammar. Anyway, we came up with some new ones yesterday for a couple of more advanced concepts she's studying now. And I think, for piano, I'm going to have her write out the music for the songs.

Oooh. It's almost nine. Time to start school. Hope you all have a good day today! Thanks for listening!

Life Updates

- Two weeks from today is the homeschool play. Twenty-four 2nd-5th graders doing a play I wrote and directed. This month, we rehearse twice a week, and yesterday's rehearsal went pretty awful. Maneuvering issues -- getting kids where they need to be when they need to be there. We have two stage managers, a green room manager, and another kid wrangler all assigned to that duty, and it's still a challenge.

- Three weeks from Sunday, we start the Christmas drama series. This one I didn't write, but I'm directing. We rehearse every Sunday until then. And a set has to be built. And furniture borrowed to fill the set. And props and costumes gathered. And a couple more rehearsals for each scene. And then each scene has to be filmed to show at our off-site campus.

- And before that is Thanksgiving. Hubby's family is all going to my sister-in-law's in Kansas City this year. First holiday in her new home. And I liked the idea of doing a Thanksgiving letter instead of a Christmas letter like I did last year, so I need to get on that, too.

- The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I'm scheduled to do the 10-minute devotion at our homeschool mom's meeting. I was hesitant when they asked me to do it. What do I have to say to inspire everyone? Anything I can think of sounds too cheesy, too simplistic, or too smart-alecky. But I have to come up with something . . .

- And then, of course, Christmas is coming up. Gifts to buy. Goodies to bake. House to decorate. I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to have our Drama Team Christmas party at our house. It would be kind of nice to have somebody come enjoy our house decorated up for the holidays. On the other hand, I would have only a week after we get home from Thanksgiving in KC to decorate.

- And in the back of my mind are upcoming drama productions. The spring homeschool play for the older kids, which I have yet to write. The possible full-length production for the church drama team, which I'm now realizing is going to be a much more challenging endeavor than I originally thought . . if I still decide to do it. Not to mention more weekly sketches for the regular services, which will need to be written, cast, rehearsed . . . I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining about it all. I love doing the drama stuff! If it was all I had to do, that would be great. But fitting it in around the rest of life is tough.


So much to do in the next couple months. I hope these new pills kick in soon and I start sleeping better.

Storms of the Brain . . .

Pastor's finishing up a series on wisdom in October with a message about "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" (Psalm 111 and Proverbs 9). I'm thinking that's a topic we should be able to work up a good drama for.

I think of our Sunday morning dramas as kind of a surgery prep for the congregation. The pastor has a message from God to deliver, and there's a place in each person's heart and mind where that Word needs to be applied, where it can serve its healing or sanctifying function. The drama can lead each person to that place -- "cut them open" and lay bare the wound or diseased spot that needs the application of God's truth. Sorry for the graphic imagery, but it works for me . . and this is my brainstorming session.

So, if the take-away this particular Sunday is that they need to look for wisdom first in their reverance for God, what in Joe Sunnybrook's life might stand in the way of their doing that? A misunderstanding of what "the fear of the Lord" means? Perhaps. But I think that may be a lot of what Pastor is addressing, and so we don't want to be repetitive. The drama isn't a sermon in itself. We don't want to steal his thunder.

Maybe it's that we are conditioned by the world to look for wisdom elsewhere. Like where? Hmmm. Knowledge . . information . . we are bombarded with bits and pieces of information all day long . . soundbites from the news . . . twitter updates . . . endlessly forwarded emails . . . we hear something and feel enlightened by the knowledge, but before that enlightenment has a chance to take root and make a difference in our lives, it is displaced by another witty comment . . . yet we somehow feel wiser . . . hmmmm.

Where else? Experience . . gray hair is said to be a sign of wisdom because the longer one lives, the more experiences one has had to learn from . . . but while experience gives the opportunity to grow wiser, it doesn't guarantee wisdom . . . how often do we do the same stupid things over and over again.

Where else? Advice from others? Yes, but we don't really want to knock that -- it's Biblical to seek wise counsel. But maybe it shouldn't be where we start . . the beginning of wisdom. Where else? How about "listening to your heart"? One of my personal pet peeves . . all this talk about the answer being right there inside you, just listen to your heart . . . the Bible says, "The heart is deceitful above all things" (Jeremiah 17) . . . my "heart" can say different things to me depending on how well I slept, what I ate for breakfast, who I've been hanging out with lately . . . whenever I hear some well-intentioned inspirational guru encouraging people to "look within" for all the answers in life, I wonder how many human beings they are very well acquainted with.

So, maybe three characters . . each with a different idea of where wisdom begins . . knowledge . . . experience . . the inner self (is there a better word for that?) . . . in conversation with each other? No, that might feel contrived -- and it would take too much time to set up a situation in which such a conversation would happen. Monologuing . . talking to the audience . . each in their own situation, no interaction with each other . . but perhaps with some of their lines overlapping, to show the similarity of their follies? Ooo, yeah, I like that . . .

You're all dying to see this, aren't you? :)

Feelin' a Bit Random....

- A couple of my friends who blog have fill-in-the-blank slots on their posts where they name a song they are listening to while they write, or one that fits the mood of their post, I guess. Interesting. I don't think I could do that. Usually, the musical backdrop to my blog-writing is Disney Channel theme songs, which would not fit the mood of my posts very often. And despite being a pretty musical gal, I don't know that I could come up with a song to fit my mood at any given time. Beyond that, I find that introspecting that much on my own mood tends to sour it.

- Our dog is old and sick. Yeah, the old part isn't news, but this sick part is a recent thing. Since we brought him home from the kennel he stayed at during our vacation, he's been really out of it. To be expected to some degree, I suppose -- a week of eating different food, sleeping in a different place, not getting his arthritis meds ... it takes its toll. But he seems to have some gastrointestinal issues going on, too. Poor guy. I would be surprised if he makes it through another Iowa winter. Sniff.

- For the record, doggy diarrhea is TOXIC.

- I'm doing a two-week adult Shakespeare workshop at the community theater and I am so psyched! We spent the last two sessions picking scenes and monologues that we're going to perform at the Rose Garden in Grandview Park at the end. And hold your hats, folks: I'm doing a Kate/Petruchio scene from Taming of the Shrew!! OK, maybe my hat was the only one requiring a firm grip at that news, but you have to understand -- Kate is one of my "before-I-die" roles. I am SO thrilled!

I'm also doing Brutus' "Romans, Countrymen and Lovers" speech from Julius Caesar. I really wanted Antony's "Friends, Romans, Countrymen", but I was too bashful to speak up in time before he gave it to someone else. I could hope that girl gets sick or something, but I suppose that's uncalled for. Oh, and yes, those speeches are supposed to be done by men, but there are only four men in the class of a dozen or so. Lucky for me -- I LOVE those speeches!

- Speaking of Disney Channel, I have not been looking forward to watching the premiere of "Camp Rock 2" in September, and even LESS so after being bombarded with promos for the bulk of 2010. Can you say, "Overkill"?

MOOD: a bit scattered
LISTENING TO: the Phineas and Ferb theme song

"Mom! Phineas and Ferb are making a title sequence!!"

Great show.

Thoughts While Getting a Massage

- Ooo . . her hands are warm. Good deal.

- This is a student massage at the massage school in South Sioux. She seems to be doing a good job so far. Very friendly. Too friendly. I wish she'd stop trying to engage me in conversation and let me relax.

- I remember the first massage I ever got. At a resort on a vacation. The masseur was a man, and I was a little anxious about the whole thing. Then he sat down before he started working on me and asked if I would mind if he prayed first. Would I mind? Wow!

- Ouch. Why do my forearm muscles hurt so much? Too much computer time?

- So, who gave you the gift certificate for the massage, she asks. My family, for Christmas -- four massages for throughout the year, through October. Well, that's better than a diamond necklace, isn't it, she says. The gift that keeps on giving! Yes, it is. But I still wish you'd stop talking to me.

- I'm amazed at how commonplace massages have become in some circles. There are an awful lot of people I know -- and not wealthy ones -- who, from the way they talk, get massages on a pretty regular basis. They used to be a luxury, right? When did they become regular healthcare maintenance? I only get them when they are given to me as gifts.

- Time to turn over . . and out comes the padded horseshoe for my face. It always looks more comfortable than it is.

- I wonder what all goes into the training to be a masseuse. Do they learn the detailed structure of our muscles? Do they do exercises to strengthen their hands and forearms? This girl would probably tell me if I asked, but that would just start up a conversation, and she seems to have caught on to the fact that I prefer the silence.

- Always interesting the parts of my body where they find knots that hurt the most . . . my left shoulder, my forearms, the insteps of my feet, certains spots around my shoulder blades -- and the very bottom of my lower back. What up with that?

- I should look more into what are supposed to be the health benefits of massages. I always hear about it getting rid of toxins or something like that. I don't even know what that means.

- And . . it's over. Bummer. It's always so hard to get up from the table. Yeah, I should do this more often.

Random Thoughts on Freedom

I wish, I wish with all my heart
To fly with dragons in a land apart.

I woke up this morning with the Dragon Tales theme song running through my head. That's pretty bizarre, because the girls haven't watched that in years -- I'm not even sure it's still on. I kind of miss those days. Dragon Tales, Arthur, Blue's Clues (I'll admit I cried during the episode when Steve went to college -- so did Keith). Life was simpler then. I know the girls miss those days, too.

Leslie has her schedule for school next year. I felt excited for her when I looked at it . . and a little jealous. The teenage years were awful -- not much would make me want to experience all that again. But school, the learning part of it, I loved. I would love to be able to go to school again, to spend all of my time reading, taking notes, absorbing, synthesizing, researching, writing papers . . . and nothing else to do. No housework, no parenting, no other responsibilities. Freedom to just do what I want. But we're never really free to just do what we want -- not in the school years, not in the Blue's Clues years.

Today is Independence Day, the day we celebrate freedom. I bet I'm not that unusual in finding that I don't often feel free. I generally feel tied down to obligations. But I'm pretty sure that's not the kind of freedom the founding fathers were talking about. In fact, I'd be surprised if what we often tout as "freedom" these days would ever have crossed their minds. This idea of having the "right" to live our lives however we want. Too often, that is translated into the "right" to walk away from responsibility, even to live immorally. I'm sure they would be appalled at how we've used the gift of freedom they passed down to us.

When Christ began his earthly ministry, he quoted scripture from Isaiah about his having come "to release captives, to deliver the oppressed". He came to proclaim freedom -- but freedom from what? Apparently, from sin. Not just the eternal consequences of it . . or even the immediate consequences of it . . but the bondage to it. We are slaves to sin; in our own strength, we are truly incapable of living sinlessly, even for an hour. I don't often feel enslaved to my sin, though -- probably because too often, sin is equal to what I want.

A great parenting book I read once said that one of the primary responsibilities we have toward our children is to teach them how to say "no" to themselves, to their own desires. That is the definition of self-control, and no other virtue is possible without it. The problems in our lives come not because we are not free to do what we want, but because we are not free to say "no" to want we want.

True freedom is the freedom to do what should be done, regardless of our desires.

If the Son has set you free, then you are free indeed! (John 8:36)

Happy Independence Day, friends!

Thoughts While Standing in Line for a Funnelcake at the Sunnybrook Family Fun Night

- Wow. This is a long line. Do I really want a funnelcake?

- The lines going up the hill for the huge waterslide are just about as long, but they're moving faster. When did I get so old that sliding down a huge, wet hill into a trough of muddy water doesn't look the least bit entertaining? But the kids are sure having fun.

- Great band. Keith would like them. One of these years, he has to schedule his business trips around Family Fun Night so he can witness this.

- Twenty minutes in line now. Apparently, funnelcakes are the new cotton candy at Sunnybrook.

- Kids keep waving at me and saying, "Hi, Mirror!" Kinda sweet. Signing everyone's shirts this morning, I started to feel like a rock star or something. I wonder, in five years, if they'll look at that shirt and wonder, "Mirror? Who was that? Was she in my volleyball clinic?"

- The sun is starting to go down behind the hill, thankfully. And no mosquitoes torturing us, more thankfully. Apparently, the bugs were a big issue all week at the outdoor Skill School clinics.

- Forty-five minutes in line now. These had better be darn good funnelcakes. At least it gives me something to do while the girls are running around.

- An exhausting but satisfying week. My clinic kids did well with their skits in the closing program tonight, even with two kids missing and having to be covered for. Amazing what we can pull together in four hours -- well, two hours of teaching and two hours of rehearsal. I do this for the kids, but I get as much personal growth out of it as they do. A good reminder of how "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

- And all things includes ad-libbing through the morning dramas on stage in front of 700 kids. Way out of my comfort zone. But I've decided I need to do more of this. A good metaphor for life. We don't often have a script for our lives. God says, "Yeah, we're kind of going to head in this direction . . I've got the plan, you just play it by ear as you go . . and trust me."

- A hour and fifteen minutes. I will not give up on this line. I will get a funnelcake for my efforts.

- One daughter is running around out there soaked to the bone, going back and forth between the inflatables and the waterslide. The other is having water fights with her friends. We should have brought more towels.

- I kind of feel guilty that we're not staying to help clean up . . . but we're leaving in the morning for KC . . . let go of the guilt . . . you already did a lot this week . . .

- One hour and a half -- and I have a cinnamon and sugar funnelcake in my hand! Woo hoo! People congratulate me as I walk around nibbling on it. A fine accomplishment for the evening. And a fine end to the week.

And now the weekend begins -- off to Kansas City!

Hello 2010!

I wrote in my last post about things that I'm happy happened in 2009. So, as I begin 2010, I'm considering New Year's 2011. Yes, really. I'm thinking, when I write my New Year's post next year, what are the things I want to be able to look back on in 2010 and be happy about?

Number one, I want my sleep problem to be solved. I also want to have lost some weight. That's not a crucial one for me (obviously, or I'd have put some effort into it before now!), but I do weigh more than I like, and I think I will feel better overall if I lose some fat and get more fit.

I want Keith to still enjoy his job. Again, never a given. I want to buy more locally-grown foods, for a variety of reasons. I've really become fond of my organic eggs I found at the farmer's market -- the store-bought ones look downright anemic anymore.

I want Leslie to have leaped her personal hurdles and be babysitting on a regular basis -- and loving it, like I know she will. That would include babysitting her little sister once in a while, which would make a lot of things in my life easier.

I want the girls to be happy and thriving in whatever educational environment they happen to be in by that time. And I want them each to have one or two really close friends. They have friends now, but no real "BFF"s, you know? Those are different -- and those take time.

I want to be heading up a successful, smooth-running drama ministry at Sunnybrook Church that touches people's hearts, uses people's gifts effectively, and doesn't keep me in a constant state of nervous tension. This is an intimidating venture for me, as is the homeschool drama program. Lots of potential for crashing and burning big time, here. But looking back on my posts from last year, a theme that seemed to keep cropping up was the need to step out boldly, to try things big enough that God has a chance to prove himself in them. David commented after one such post, "So what impossible things do you see laying before you?" Perhaps this is it.

I think those are the biggies. But I'd also like to find a good spaghetti sauce recipe. That's one that one of you out there may be able to help me with. Anyone? Anyone?